Parents and physicians often ask me for guidance on how to treat non-disabled siblings. I offer this set of guidelines for them, based on research in The Normal One:

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS: A SIBLING SURVIVAL GUIDE
  • Don't expect miracles. Forget about finding magic solutions to sibling problems that have plagued you for years. Despite everybody's best intentions, family dynamics tend to surface even when everybody is grown up-particularly at the holidays, when more togetherness than usual is the norm. Rivalry, buried resentments, shame and guilt are as predictable as the strains of "Jingle Bells" If you don't arrive with fantasies of harmony restored, you won't be disappointed by business as usual.

  • Set limits. Don't pick a fight with your problem sib, but don't cave in either. If your brother gets obnoxiously drunk or your sister makes a scene and your parents do nothing to intervene, say calmly but politely that if it doesn't stop you will leave. And do it-even a walk around the block can make your point and clear your head.

  • Give yourself permission to limit your contact by making only a brief appearance if your sibling is ruining your holiday with truly outrageous behavior. One women who used to go into a depression after spending a week with her family and borderline brother now goes home for only three days, and builds in time alone at the local bookstore for relief.

  • Try to be an observer rather than just a participant in interactions with your sibling. This role will help you keep your temper and get some perspective. You've been living with this situation all your life-now look at it.

  • Accept your reluctance. It's ok to dread these occasions or be disappointed that your sibling isn't your best friend and never was. Remind yourself that you don't live with him or her any more.

  • Bring along reinforcements. Friends and spouses are invaluable aids for enduring holidays when family members are estranged. They help you keep some healthy distance and your sense of humor. If they can't be there in person, call them.

  • Remember you don't have to go if you're really miserable--you're a grownup; one woman lost sleep worrying about whether she'll be obligated to spend holidays with her sister after her mother dies, and her mother's in perfect health. Don't let guilt and obligation destroy your joy.

Do's and Don'ts for Parents of Children With and Without Disabilities

Here are some basic things you can do to insure that all your children get their emotional needs met:
  • Ignorance is not bliss. Tell your non-disabled child clearly and repeatedly what's wrong with a sibling. To know the truth is always a relief because it dispels the universal fear that the disability is catching. Tell your child, "What happened to your brother/sister can't happen to you-he/she was born that way." Avoid saying "Your brother/sister is special," because your child will think he or she is not special.

  • Allow your non-disabled child to express negative feelings about a disabled sibling even if you are upset by these feelings. Don't require them always to "understand"-they're children.

  • Don't expect them to share your feelings or degree of involvement with disabled siblings-being a sibling is different from being a parent.

  • Do not assume your non-disabled child needs you less than your disabled one. Set aside time exclusively for the non-disabled one, and let him or her be the center of attention regularly. Give them permission not always to include the disabled sibling-let them have their own friends, own activities, own moments to shine.

  • Make sure to praise your non-disabled child's intellectual and other achievements. Automatically including or compensating the disabled one makes non-disabled children feel that what they do isn't important in its own right.

  • Don't assume the non-disabled sibling must be the disabled one's caretaker after your death. Discuss future plans openly, and get legal assistance to avoid burdening your child for life.

  • Think about the impact of your relationships with your own siblings and how your parents dealt with them and you. Acknowledge your own negative feelings and fantasies about having a disabled child-these are normal and universal. Doing so will help you understand your non-disabled child's emotions. And you don't have to do this alone-counseling can help both you and your children.

  • Practice self-awareness and encourage it in all your children. This is one of the greatest gifts a parent can bestow, and gives them a model that will last a lifetime.
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